


Sink or Swim

by hellagayhufflepunk



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Bullying, Coming Out, F/F, Female Friendship, Fist Fights, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Genderqueer Character, Lesbian Character, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 14:48:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2551505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellagayhufflepunk/pseuds/hellagayhufflepunk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story follows Perry and LaFontaine's friendship. From the time they met, to their huge fight. Includes: LaFontaine coming out as gay and coming to terms with their gender orientation. And a Perry attempting to keep everything 'normal.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sink or Swim

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been working on this idea for the last few weeks, so I’m excited to post it. Also, LaFontaine is one of my favorite characters. They are so amazing, so I hope this fic does some justice to that. And, I would like to note that in the beginning I do address LaFontaine as ‘Susan’ and do use female pronouns. But, don’t worry; I do change to calling them LaFontaine and using gender neutral pronouns as the story progresses. I do this because this story goes in a chronological timeline, so I call Lafontaine, LaFontaine as they come to terms with their identity. So, with that said, I hope all of you enjoy this story. 

~~  
They met when they were five.

It was innocent enough. The smallest girl in their kindergarten class had spilt their apple juice on the carpet and the bossiest girl in their class came over to help her clean it up. 

“You really should be more careful.” The bossy one said, vigorously scrubbing the carpet.

“I know. What’s your name?” 

“Perry. And your name is?” She answered promptly. 

“Susan.”

Later, at recess, they played tag together. From then on, they were inseparable.   
~~  
When they were both seven, that’s when Susan’s parents started fighting. Perry knew of this, and Susan spent more time at Perry’s home than her own. Often, she got confused at what was really her home: the one she was born in was cold and filled with raged screams where as the one she chose to go to was all warmth and comforting hugs. 

A frequent haunt for the two of them- when they weren’t at Perry’s house- was the library. It was mere blocks from Perry’s house, so they would normally go there after school. Susan was almost always scampering about amidst the science books- her favorites being ones with pictures of animals and cells and plants. Perry preferred the chapter books- especially about that Judy B girl. 

However, not all their time was spent at the library. A good chunk of it was spent in Perry’s room playing dolls. Susan always, without fail, ended up putting the boy dolls in dresses and the girl dolls in suits. Perry would rush over and switch their clothes.

“It’s just not normal, Susan.” Perry would always say.  
~~  
At age eleven, Susan’s parents got a divorce.

It wasn’t unexpected, really. They fought practically every day. Maybe things could be better now. 

Because Susan’s mom, a computer software designer, took a job offer in a neighboring city and her dad was merely a welder, they had to move out of the house. So, as Susan was wandering through the halls one last time, biochemistry book hugged against her chest, she realized just how unfamiliar these walls were to her. 

It occurred to her that she only really slept here… and even that was only on occasion. Almost half of her clothing and a good chunk of her book collection was at Perry’s house. 

Later that evening, Perry was helping her move into her new room. Boxes were piled on her bed and in corners. Most of them were filled with books and journals upon journals of notes. But some held other contents: like her mangled teddy bear she’s had since she was three, or more than a few picture frames featuring Susan and Perry, and even her own personal chemistry set. Yes, Susan is that kind of nerd. 

Perry was unpacking one of the boxes. Then she noticed Susan sniffling over a picture of her and her parents. “Suze. Hey, come here.” Perry said quietly. She pulled the girl into her arms and hugged her tightly.

“It’ll be normal. You’ll see.” Perry whispered into her best friend’s ear. 

In all honesty, Susan never felt super close to her parents. However, she was always taught that your parents are always supposed to be together and always supposed to love each other. Though, as Susan would later realize, she was never what people were ‘supposed to be’.   
~~  
Four years have passed since Susan’s parents broke up; she was now fifteen. 

And very confused about herself. 

While Perry would blab about boys, crushing on band members and actors, Susan couldn’t help but stare at her. The gentle plumpness of her lips, the curves of her hips she was just beginning to develop, and the frazzled frizziness of Perry’s crazy hair. Perry was just so beautiful. So amazing. 

While Perry would attempt to chat up boys during math class, Susan would always try and get the pretty dark haired girl as a lab partner for chemistry. Susan was always amazed by just how soft a girl’s hands looked. How careful they were. How gentle. 

While Perry drooled over the boys running laps around the track, Susan would admire the girls as they did gymnastics. 

She knew that whatever feelings she was having, whatever these feelings were, they were not widely accepted; especially not in her city.

And she was scared. She was so scared.

For the longest time, she kept most of these feelings to herself. Occasionally, she would vent some of these feelings onto scrap pieces of paper. Most of the time, she would tear up these scraps and throw them away- or burn them. Actually, Susan liked when she burned them. Flames are pretty neat. 

But, unfortunately, one day, the biggest, beefiest football player found Susan doodling in her notebook- a doodle of two girls holding hands. He muttered something extremely offensive to Susan, something that made her cheeks flush with anger and embarrassment. 

“That’s enough, jackass. Leave me alone.” Susan replied with as much bitterness and venom as her small body could muster. She stared the jockstrap straight in the face. He snorted and made a mock gesture of surrender, before returning to his friends. They each gave him high fives and snickered at Susan.

She did her best to hold her head high and strut past those losers. She wanted to cry.

The rest of Susan’s day went by with her trying to forget the incident. But she couldn’t. Those words hurt a lot. The implications and connotations they held weighed heavily on her shoulders. 

Susan needed some space, so she vetoed walking home with Perry. She knew that Perry would be worried and would no doubt give her shit later on, but Susan felt she needed to be alone for a while. This turned out to not be the best idea, as Captain Beefcake had followed her and was now closing in. 

“Hey! Dyke! We have some unfinished business!” He shouted in a tone that felt like it slapped her across the face. 

She stuck out her chin and walked a little more briskly. 

He ran in front of her. She noticed some of his friends tailing him, circling behind her. Susan’s heart hammered in her chest, her adrenaline pumped a chorus through her veins, and fear rippled throughout her bloodstream. 

Her hands clenched into fists and her body stiffened, preparing itself for imminent attack. “Leave me alone! I swear to God-”

“Don’t say His name, sinner. You’re fucking disgusting!” He responded maliciously. He punctuated his sentence by firing a glob of spit at her face. His friends gave whoops of approval. 

Susan was trembling. If she was going to get into a fight, she is going to be a part of it- not just a victim. She threw her bag on the ground and lunged at Beefcake. Her fist made contact with his chin. But, he was at least a foot taller than him and also weighed at least a hundred pounds more than her; the same could be said about all of his friends. 

So, he grabbed her by her thick red hair and pulled her chest to his brick of a knee… more than a few times. For ‘good luck’ he kneed her three times in the face. He then tossed her over to his two friends, who each grabbed one of her arms to hold her in place. She attempted to struggle, but they were so much bigger than she was. 

He socked her a few times in the stomach. Each time, more and more black dots fluttering into vison. She was gasping for breath; her lungs felt like they were disintegrating. Then, as the cherry on top of his cruelty, he punched her twice in the face: the first time in the nose, breaking it, the second on her lower cheek and jaw. 

“There you go, dyke. Hope you have a nice stroll home.” He sneered, walking off. His buddies released her and she crumpled to the ground. 

How she made it back to her house, she had no clue. Her ribs were on fire and her lungs hurt and her nose was bleeding profusely. She nearly collapsed in the doorway. Someone rushed to her aid. When her tired brain finally registered the motherly nagging and worry, she realized who it was: Perry.

Perry had gotten worried when Susan didn’t show at their normal rendezvous point. So, she took a shortcut to her apartment and simply waited there, waiting for Susan to come back. This wasn’t the first time Susan had done so. In the last year, her going AWOL or MIA have become more and more frequent. After an hour or two alone, Susan would always be back at her apartment, in her room, doing homework or screaming into a pillow. 

But normally, Susan didn’t come home all bloody and bruised. Actually, this was the first time such a thing had occurred. 

Perry’s motherly instinct immediately went into overdrive. She walked Susan to her room and sat her down on her bed. She grabbed some supplies: the first aid kit, some wet and dry washcloths, painkillers, a few icepacks and water. Perry’s father was a doctor and her mother a school nurse, so Perry knew how to deal with these injuries. She listened more than her parents thought when they went all medical speak on their fifteen year old daughter. 

Susan was unusually quiet and still during this time. She held an icepack to her throbbing and bruising cheek. She was staring off into space. 

Perry wanted to pester her with a thousand questions, find out any and all details of how Susan ended up like this: bruised, bloody, and crying. She hadn’t seen Susan cry since she was eleven. But Susan didn’t answer in any sort of way to a single question she was asking.

Instead, she just focused on cleaning her best friend up. Once that was done, Perry got on her knees, grabbed Susan’s hands, and looked into her eyes- her left one ringed with a very deep, dark bruise. 

“Suze. What happened? Please tell me. Please.” Perry pleaded. 

Susan shook her head and mumbled something. Perry sighed. “Well, do you want to at least take a shower? I could only get so much grime off.” 

She nodded and trudged over to the bathroom. Once Susan closed the door, she sighed again, stood up, and went over to the dresser to pull out Susan’s favorite pajamas. 

In the bathroom, Susan removed her clothes, and flinched at the sight of the bruises on her ribs. Carefully, she felt the bruises and was relieved to find that none of them were broken (She’s read several medical textbooks at the library). 

She caught her reflection in the mirror. 

Her jaw was bruised and she had a black eye. She tucked her hair behind her ears- it reached down to her shoulders and she’s always hated how long it was. Her scalp hurt from her hair being pulled. 

She slammed her fists on the counter and scrambled about in the medicine cabinet. Finally, her fingers were clasped around the smooth, cold metal of the scissors. With vigor, she made the first cut. The long, thick clump of hair fell haphazardly to the floor.

Susan loved the way the scissors sounded. 

She made several more cuts, not really caring where she placed the scissors anymore. Her hair looked ragged, like a caveman’s. She smiled a little at her reflection, even though her hair looked terrible. Perry knocked at the door. “Susan, you okay? I don’t hear the water going.” 

When Susan didn’t answer, Perry opened the unlocked door. She gave a small scream of surprise at seeing Susan, all choppy haired and smiled a bit creepily at the mirror. “Susan, what in goodness sakes are you doing?” Perry half screeched. 

“I needed a change. I wanted for a while now to chop it all off. Why not now?” Susan responded.

Perry had to take several deep breaths before walking the few steps to her friend’s position at the sink. “At least let me do it, okay? Let’s at least make you look a few steps up from rag doll gone haywire.”

Susan gave small laugh, which hurt her bruised abdomen.  
~~  
Two years had gone by, though not easily. 

Susan had come out to Perry the summer before the start of their senior year of high school. Which was the scariest thing Susan had ever done.

She had Perry come over to her apartment one weekend. She said she needed help with some novel they had to read over the summer for their Lit class. She hated lying to her best friend. But she hated omitting the truth more. 

Susan stood in her room, counting the seconds that it took for Perry to walk to her apartment. Nervous sweat slicked the back of her neck and spine. She made herself busy reciting what she was going to say. The speech she prepared no longer seemed right anymore. 

But there was no going back, Susan told herself. She was going to do this. Her best friend ever deserved to know. Susan deserved to have this secret no longer tearing her up. No matter which way Perry took this. 

So, that’s how Perry ended up sitting on her best friend’s bed, which she’d done millions of times before. However, something about this time seemed… off. Susan was pacing back and forth, running her fingers through her short hair- a habit she only did in times of extreme stress or nervousness. Perry could see Susan’s palms sweating profusely.

She waited patiently, albeit anxiously, for Susan to speak. 

“Pear, you have to promise me that you won’t be mad when I tell you this, okay? That you won’t lecture me or yell at me, okay?”

Now Perry was scared. “Okay, Susan. I promise.”

“I…” All Susan’s eloquent ways of saying what she was about to flew from her mind. She was just going to go for the blunt approach. “I’m gay.” 

Perry smiled. “I know, Susan.” 

“Wait, what? How did you know?” Susan questioned.

“Just… you never really talked about boys. And… I’ve seen some of your doodles. So… yeah. I’ve just always known. I didn’t want to say anything because I figured you needed to come to terms with this on your own.” Perry explained.

“So… you’re not mad that I’m not normal?” Susan wondered carefully.

“When it comes to things like this, there is no ‘normal’.” Perry declared.

It was then that Susan realized just how much she was grateful to have Perry as a friend.   
~~  
About a year later, Perry and Susan were both packing their things to go to college. They both got scholarships for the same college and they also were able to get a dorm together. 

Which Susan was infinitely thankful for. She was feeling… feelings and she wasn’t quite sure what they meant. And she felt she needed her friend to help her get through these feelings. 

On the day they left, in Susan’s truck- which her dad gave to her as a graduation present- she gave her dad a hug and a kiss. Her mother stopped talking to her after she came out. Her dad gave her a huge hug and told her he still loved her. 

Perry’s parents were crying as they hugged their daughter goodbye. They gave both of them some food to last them the eight hour drive to the university. 

Once they were all moved in and everything was clean enough for Perry’s high standards, Perry tried to convince Susan to go down to the quad, so they could explore campus. 

“No thanks. I’m really tired. I just want to stay here.” Susan said, leaning back in her desk chair. 

As Perry was leaving, Susan took a breath and asked, “Pear? Can you call me LaFontaine?”

“Why, Susan?”

“Just… college? Nice clean slate. New identity.” LaFontaine responded quietly. 

Perry looked confused, but nodded and hurried out. 

Once Perry was gone, LaFontaine pulled out her laptop and hooked it up to the Wi-Fi. She then went on the internet. Instead of starting on her reading for her biochemistry class, she typed into google a word she’s heard before but never felt any real attachment to: genderqueer.

She’s had a Tumblr for the past few years, and as everyone who has a Tumblr knows, it is a very, very queer place. So, she’s pretty well versed when it comes to sexual and gender orientations. And, as time has been going on, she’s felt like she’s not really a she, but not a hundred percent like a he either. 

LaFontaine read more and more articles about it, discovered more and more people whom feel comfortable floating in a middle ground between genders, like LaFontaine was feeling. And they were feeling that more and more lately. 

So, LaFontaine sat back in their chair, no longer feeling so alone in this. So, they turned off their computer, changed into their comfy pajamas, and snuggled in their covers.   
~~  
It was a struggle to get Perry to come to terms with the fact that her best friend was not normal. That Susan wanted needed, to be called LaFontaine, that they wanted gender neutral pronouns such as “they” and “them”. 

Most of the time, Perry still called LaFontaine ‘Susan’. She still referred to them with female pronouns like “she” and “her”. Sometimes the two friends argued. Especially since they have gotten involved in the girls disappearing on campus and LaFontaine has been helping Laura tracking them down. Along with attempting to figure out Laura’s roommate- whom just so happened to be a vampire- involvement in this fiasco.

So, yeah. Perry was not okay with everything being the opposite of normal. And it all exploded out one day.  
~~  
When Perry was done, basically yelling at them and calling them a freak, LaFontaine felt like crying. Or screaming. Or poking at something with a stick. Or a combination of the three. 

Thank God for Laura. She scooted her chair in front of the heartbroken LaFontaine and suggested a quiet, buddies’ night in. Which, really they needed. 

So, the two of them ended up snuggling, completely platonically, and watching old science fiction movies from the thirties. Sometimes, Netflix was a beautiful place, especially in the light of a bad fight. Laura had fallen asleep two movies ago, her head on LaFontaine’s shoulder, which slowly caused their arm to grow numb, but they dare not move it. The girl had been depriving herself of sleep, trying to figure out this whole mystery and she needed to catch up on some zees. 

At least that gave LaFontaine some time to think. Which, they couldn’t decide, if that was a good or a bad thing. But, whatever. They couldn’t stop themselves from thinking- their mind was constantly in motion. Whether they were thinking about chemical reactions or the latest episode of Orphan Black, their mind wouldn’t quiet.

And right now, the only thing LaFontaine could focus on was their fight with Perry. Why, when they came out as gay, could she accept them so easily? So lovingly? And now, when they wanted to be called by their last name, use gender neutral pronouns, why was that so difficult? Why was Perry’s so tunnel visoned, so unaccepting of the fact that absolutely nothing was normal or as perfect as she needed them to be? 

Why couldn’t Perry accept her best friend of almost eighteen years, almost her entire life, as they needed them too?   
~~

Laura, Carmilla, and LaFontaine made their way to the library. LaFontaine still didn’t fully trust Carmilla, but, in recent days, she’s given no reason for LaFontaine to downright hate her, either. 

“LaFontaine? You alright?” Laura asked from behind them.

“Yeah. Peachy. Why?” They replied in a hushed whisper. They didn’t know why they were whispering, there was no real need to be quiet just yet. 

“You just-”

“You’re tense, baguette. And I do not want you distracted while we are in that hell hole of a library. So, what’s on your mind, butterscotch?” Carmilla interjected. She casually twirled her long bladed knife in her nimble fingers. 

“It’s… Perry has been my best friend since I was five years old. She’s been only friend for basically all my life. I’ve told her everything. And she’s been fine with everything, at least until recently. I just hope I don’t end up losing her.” LaFontaine explained. They wiped away silent tears from their cheek. 

“You either sink or you swim.” Carmilla said quietly.

“Yeah.” LaFontaine remarked upon hearing the familiar quote. “And I hope we swim.”  
~~


End file.
